Monday January 11th, 2010 - Chicago, IL

    One of the worst situations to deal with as an entertainer is the last minute cancellation. It happens to all of us, and it’s an absolute killer. Besides having a check bounce, I’d have to say it’s a close second on the list of least favorite things. Still, it’s a sad reality of life.

   Outsiders have no clue how we go about getting bookings. I get asked all the time about it and most people assume we have some magic ‘agent’ who sends on a ‘circuit’ that’s all mapped out according to routing and it all just works out for every comedian in America.

   Nothing could be farther from the truth. Booking gigs is a chore, and most comics really despise it, at least the good ones. We want to be on stage getting adulation from strangers, not trying to convince some bar slug we’re funnier than the last group of no names he had at his hell hole last week. Booking shows is sales, plain and simple - and sales is HARD.

   Comedy is hard too, but most people aren’t good at both. I know I never was. I couldn’t stand the booking process, but I kept with it because I wanted the stage time. No, I needed it. It’s the drug on which all performers are hooked, and one way or another we all put our own method of finding work together. There’s no real right way to do it. It’s a crapshoot.

   Some bookers like certain acts, and that’s just how it is. Some acts work better in places than others. I was never a college act for example. Even when I was that age, I never hit it off as a rule and I knew it. I was able to handle club crowds quite well, so that’s where all of my energy was focused. I came up the ranks and paid my dues and became a headliner.

   Now comedy clubs are fading out, or at least the good paying ones. There are WAY too many bad comics who are willing to work for low pay that clog the toilet and drive down the price. They’re bastardizing the business but that’s how it goes. It looks easy and a lot of people want to try comedy so they do. Guys like me who have paid dues get the shaft.

   I was booked in Fond Du Lac, WI February 6th at some yacht club. I had no idea a yacht existed in Fond Du Lac much less a whole club, but apparently they are now having some comedy shows occasionally. I was booked by another comedian I’ve known for 25 years.

   I had the date on my calendar, but today I get a call out of the blue telling me the date is cancelled because they decided to go with another act who’s local. Now I’m screwed, and it’s less than a month out. There was no written contract, so all I can do is try to replace it.

   Maybe I will, maybe I won’t, but in a perfect world the yacht club would do one of two things: one - pay me out. I don’t care if they want to use the local guy, but I reserved that date through the booker and I should be paid for it. Too bad this booker is only a comic.

   He’s just booking it to make a couple of bucks. He really has no power. If the club has a whim to switch it at the last minute, technically they can. They don’t care that it puts a big hole in my schedule and takes money out of my pocket, but it‘s time somebody told them.

   Then people wonder why entertainers cop an attitude after a while. I wondered it as well when I started. I used to hear headliners tell horror stories of getting stiffed on money, but it never really sunk in. I was so enamored with being on stage that the money didn’t make any difference. I would have done it for free, and many times did. Club owners know this.

   Bookers know it too. Sometimes club owners book their own club, other times they hire a booking agency. Sometimes they use an actual comic who thinks they know how to put a show together, and most of us think we do. Unfortunately, that’s not usually the case.

   That’s why comedians get stiffed so much. There are too many hands in the till and not enough attention paid to the actual bookings. Most bookers just fill holes, and don’t have a clue how to build a show that works best for the audience in a particular venue. They’re only interested in their commission, even though they all claim they know the business.

   One of the worst offenders of this I’ve ever seen is Funny Business Agency, which used to be out of Grand Rapids, MI. I worked for the owner John Yoder for years, but now I’ve been ‘fired’ by his twenty something son who knows even less about comedy than John if that’s possible. John used to fill dates in his clubs by matching up acts by random chance.

   Time after time I’d get some act in front of me who was either a drug act or completely filthy or some other total mismatch for what I do and I’d have to fight my way out of the hole that act dug before I even started. Plus, Funny Business was the KING of last minute cancellations. Any time they had a bug up their ass about anything - bang. Gig cancelled.

   This is completely unprofessional, and every comic hates it but they had enough work a few years ago where we all took whatever they dished out because we needed the money. If we had to be humiliated and get cancelled once in a while, it went along with the deal.

   I for one have had my total fill of it all. It’s disrespectful and unprofessional and at my age and level of experience, I’m not going to kiss the ass of any two bit booker who can’t treat me like a human being. I’m a strong headliner, and it took a lifetime of hard work to earn my status. I’m not going to let some yacht club in Fond Du Lac handle my destiny.

   The comic who booked it called and all he could say was “I’m sorry, man. I’m sorry.” I don’t blame him for the cancellation, but he’s not a full time comic and to him this is just a hobby and a few extra bucks. I do this for a living and I’m not going to just sit there and say it’s ok and then if and when they decide to call me back put it on my calendar again.

   I’m starting to work better gigs through my friend Marc Schultz and those always have a signed contract. If I get bumped, I get paid. That’s how it always should have been, but it never was. The Yoders and quite a few others would cancel us and never think twice.

   Am I getting to be the cranky old bastard I said I’d never become? Probably, but now I totally see why those other guys felt that way. Comedy is difficult enough without getting stiffed on pay. If anyone knows of any open gigs, I happen to be open this February 6th.

Tags: Funny Business Agency

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