I’m “on hold“ with Wells Fargo Financial.  I called to ask if,  instead of mailing my payment in, could I just go to my nearby Wells Fargo Bank to make my Wells Fargo Financial payment.  I already pay my Wells Fargo Auto Leasing bill at Wells Fargo Bank. The phone representive wasn’t sure, so she went to ask her supervisor.  I don’t like to mail bills in because too many companies claim they get the bills days after they really do, so they can charge late fees. And they don’t save the postmarked envelopes which would solve many a dispute -- because that would require efficiency and competence.  I researched this, and    believe me, there’s some nefariousness going on  --  Some companies actually have you send your payment to a post office box, or an address, where it should be credited as delivered. But no. That address then sends it to its’ final address. That’s when they credit you, adding one to three days to the receiving date and probably adding millions to their coffers in late fees, in what should be an illegal scam.  But I scatter...

Eventually, she returns with “No, you can’t do that.  We’re a different company.”

“You’re a different company? Shouldn’t one of you sue the other one for using the other one’s name? I think I’ll call them and tell them what you’re doing.  Or tell you what they’re doing.  Are we the only ones that know? What did you say your name is? This could be huge. Please put me through to your CEO.  I will offer to represent your company.  I must know your complete name. And your social security number.”

"I can't give you my social security number, sir."      

"I gave you mine," I remind her.

“Just a minute sir,”  and she’s gone.  I wish I could hear how she runs this by whoever she’s talking to.  Surely there is some comedy going down without an audience.  Jean-Paul Sartre might argue that something funny is released into the “all-ness,” and that  “Funny is funny, even if there is no audience. 
What is funny, is funny regardless. The universe knows.”  Then he’d giggle, pull up his T-shirt, and rub his tummy real fast until it made a squeaky sound. 

She’s back:  “I don’t have that information sir, I can give you our corporate e-mail address. “

“E-mail address? We’re on the phone.  I have to get a new communication device? What if I’m naked in the desert? Or I don’t have fingers.  How ‘bout you give him my cell phone number, and you give me his, and we’ll hook up on our own.”

There is a very long silence.
Quietly I ask, “You still there?”
“Yes I am, sir.”
“Okay. Good-bye.”

Tags: Wells Fargo Bruce Baum Blog Financial Bills Dispute Banks Phone On Hold

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I just bought a beautiful Hawaiian shirt made of hemp, on sale, for eight bucks a gram.

Tags: Bruce Baum Hemp Cannibas Shirt Hawaiiam Funny Blog Pot Hemp Marijuana Cloth

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Hey, whatever happened to that “permanent record” we were always afraid something bad would go on?  I think it turned into a credit report. 

Tags: Permanent Record Report Card Blog Bruce Baum Credit Grades School

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I’m here at The Censor’s Convention. The display of dichotomous hypocritical decadence is numbing.  And I mean really fuckin’ numbing.

Tags: Censor Convention Blog Funny Bruce Baum

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If two Jews walked into a bar and no one was there, would that be funny?  In essence, is two Jews walking into a bar funny in and of itself? Or does someone have to witness or inter-act with the Jews  to make it funny? Does the fact that no one heard it, or no one laughed, negate the funny?   Or is funny, funny regardless, with the funniness dispensing itself into the universe, another component and    influence of all that “is?”  Funny things surely happen in nature all the time without a human spectator or participant.  Do the animals and plants laugh?  And what's their equivilent of two Jews? What makes two Jews funny?   Are ANY two Jews funny? I would venture to say that indeed, any two Jews are funnier than any two priests or nuns.

                         MILKING TWO JEWS
If two deaf Jews fell in the forest, and no one heard it, would it sound funny ?

Tags: Bruce Baum Jews Bar Philosophy Laugh Funny Blog

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Today, for the first time ever, the sun shined up Ronald’s ass. 
Suddenly, there were so many things he would no longer have
to put there.  A fresh quest began to find a new place where the
sun didn’t shine.

Tags: Sun Ass Blogs Bruce Baum Ronald Sayings

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I recently peeked out the kitchen window and saw a raccoon humping a cat, 
while the cat paw-banged a bird.  I asked a zoologist if that was normal
and he told me,  “No. That would be like you fucking a bear while the bear
gave some lizard a hand job.”  
       

Tags: Cat Bruce Baum Animals

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Larrimer never bought into the adage “You don’t know what you’ve got
until you lose it.”  He firmly believed  “You never know what you’ve got
until you’ve got way too much of it.”  He figured you could always get rid
of some of what you got until you knew what you had.

Tags: Larrimer Bruce Baum Adage Saying Funny Belief Proverb

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Alright, time-out for an upgrade.  Rat Poison. It kills rats. It also kills people.
And cows. And corn. And ducks. And everything else that eats it.   
How may times have you been listening to the news and you hear about 
some woman who killed her husband by putting rat poison in his food?
And that’s “cut” rat poison. Which means even diluted at street-strength, it will kill a man. 
Recently, someone’s barncow got into some rat poison and it killed the heifer.
In India, a circus elephant licked a rat that had just eaten rat poison and
the elephant died . Not really, but the other stuff is true. I think. Regardless,
rat poison kills everything.  Hence, it should be officially reclassified as:  “Poison.”
No “Rat”.   Yes, it kills rats, but that’s about the smallest thing it kills.
Ah, wouldn’t it be nice if this was the world’s biggest problem? 
We would so close to utopia.  Plus!  It also will save mankind all the ink
and space it would have used to print “rat.”  Forever.  You may not appreciate
it now,  but way down the line, the day we run out of ink, the millenniums of saved ink
from omitting “rat” in the aforementioned poison will be not only be appreciated,
but hopefully will last long enough for us to invent a suitable replacement.
And hopefully a cheaper one.

In addition, it is both humiliating and degrading for a large animal to be felled by a
poison made to dispatch something smaller than its’ foot.  In truth, rat poison should
only make a person feel woozy. At worst, a person should maybe get a rash,
a little fever, maybe the runs.

It starts here.  And it starts now.  What is now known as “rat poison” is now officially:
“poison”  It should inspire someone to develop something that only kills rats.
They could grab the vacant  “Rat Poison” moniker and have it all to themself. 
That’s where the money is.

Tags: UPGRADE RAT POISON BRUCE BAUM SICK

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