Sunday August 15th, 2010 - Tampa, FL/Kenosha, WI

   One of the down sides of working on a cruise ship is having to obey all their rules when it comes to getting on and off a ship. This morning I had to report at 7am to a room where the staff people who were disembarking today had to go through immigration. There were probably 100 people present, and the line moved slowly. I had one choice - sit and wait.

   My individual paperwork took about thirty seconds to stamp, and I was back waiting in my cabin until 10:15 when we were allowed to leave. I’m sure there are reasons for it that are quite legitimate, but I don’t see why I can’t just get my gear and bolt when we arrive.

   Passports are another concern. The ship holds all of our passports until Immigration has to see them, then they get stamped and we get them back. I really haven’t gone very many places until now and haven’t had to worry, but now it’s going to be a major concern if the pace I’m going keeps up as I’ll have to get a new one way before I would have otherwise.

   Every time I get off a ship someone has to stamp it, and before too long I’ll be out of all empty pages and have to get another one. The expense is bad enough, but the time needed for turnaround can be worse. Some of the people on board were talking back and forth of problems they’ve had, and I’m going to have to watch my own situation to avoid theirs.

   Carnival has been great to work for though. They treat people well from my perspective and I have no complaints. They provided a shuttle from the ship to the airport for those of us who needed one, and many did. It cost $10, but I’m sure a cab would have been quite a bit more. It was an easy process and I wound up getting to the airport several hours early.

   This is much better than having that high pressure wall of stress to deal with to catch an earlier flight so I wasn’t complaining at all. I took the opportunity to finish reading a book I brought along called ‘The Packer Way’ by a former Green Bay Packer General Manager named Ron Wolf. Packer fans remember him fondly, as he was all about winning games.

   The book laid out nine steps of strategy to build a winning organization, and sprinkled a lot of stories in about the Packers of Wolf’s era in the 1990’s. I think it’s a great idea for a book, as Packer fans will enjoy the stories and those who aren’t can use the strategies in a business scenario. I don’t know if I’d call it a classic, but I’m glad I took time to finish it.

   That’s another one of my goals on the cruise ships. If I’m out for a week I should have a lot of free time that can be used productively. If I can crank out at least one book a week I think I’ll be ahead of most other people on Earth. I’ve never been one for fiction, but I am a fan of self help stuff so this could be another way to improve my entire quality of life.

   Jim McHugh was very kind to pick me up at the airport, and of course my plane was an hour late. That made me cut it way too short as far as getting to WLIP in Kenosha for the Mothership Connection radio show. I made it, but barely and again it was stressful all the way there. We did have fun on the air, so that made up for it. Still, there’s a lot going on.

Tags: Ron Wolf

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Saturday August 14th, 2010 - Somewhere Near Tampa, FL

   One thing I’ve made a special point to do in my travels is eat well. Not necessarily a healthy well, but I’ve treated myself to some of the best tasting food in North America. I’ve eaten some of the most delicious food imaginable from all kinds of establishments from top end restaurants to greasy diners and everything in between. I’ve sampled it all.

   If someday my heart should explode in mid beat, I’ll have earned it. No complaints on my end. If my bank account was as rich as my diet, I’d be able to buy Donald Trump like Baltic Avenue on a Monopoly board. I know I need to improve the quality of healthiness of what I eat, and after tonight it’s going to be a lot easier. I’ve eaten the ultimate meal.

   I’ve always been in search of it, and like a good rap CD or an Adam Sandler movie that makes me laugh, I didn’t think it existed. Until tonight. Tony Esposito and I had no shows tonight and he asked me if I wanted to go to the steak house and end the week with a nice meal. He’s a super nice guy and loves good food just like I do so of course I said I would.

   He arranged it with the cruise director and made reservations for 6pm. I’m still not sure where we can or can’t go, so I wouldn’t have had any idea who to ask. We do get a lot of employee discounts on a lot of things apparently, and Tony says I‘ll learn it all as I go.

   For tonight, it was a world class meal for $40. With tip. From the moment we walked in to the moment we left, we had impeccable service from our wait staff who could not have done a better job. They made sure we had everything we could need, want or ask for. One was from Macedonia, another from Hungary and a third was from Lithuania. They all had unbelievably sexy accents, and were very attractive. It felt like we had a harem serving us.

   The meal came with two appetizers, soup, salad, main course and dessert. Tony had the filet mignon, and I opted for the surf and turf. It was orgasmic. We both had a bowl of the lobster bisque, and I had shrimp cocktail that could have made a meal by itself. The salad came with the most outstanding bleu cheese dressing I’ve ever had, and it all was perfect.

   We sat and ate and joked about how we don’t get this kind of treatment doing club gigs, and we were right. I thought of those low rent ham and eggers at Giggles in Milwaukee or any one of a number of other leakers who’ve treated me and a lot of other comedians like dirt and I thought how they’ll never get to experience this. They can all rot. We earned it.

   Everyone on staff was unbelievably friendly, and the chef came out after and asked how everything was. I told him it was THE best meal I’ve ever had, and meant it. I don’t know if he believed me, but I was not kidding. Everything about the whole experience was right on target and on a scale of 1 to 10 I give it a 14. This is how I always pictured life to be.

   I will appreciate this night and remember it always. Yes, I need to exercise and eat a lot healthier more consistently, blah blah blah. This was a special occasion, and the best part was I got to savor every bite. Gratitude makes everything taste better. This was a big treat.

Tags: Donald Trump

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Friday August 13th, 2010 - Somewhere Near Belize

   Only two shows tonight, it felt like a night off. I’m starting to get an idea of what these audiences will like and laugh at. Unfortunately, it’s not necessarily what I do on a regular basis. I see it, I accept it, and I’m not upset in the least. I need to adapt to their tastes, not expect them to jump on board with what I’m ding. I’m here to please the crowd, not me.            &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                         &nb sp;        

   This is not a career move. It never was. It’s a chance to earn steady money, eliminate all my credit card debt and hopefully bank a few bucks so I can finance some of my ideas for products and projects that I can’t do as of now. I’m taking a calculated risk by being here.

   In a perfect world, I’d work as often or as little as I want. I’d develop a solid reputation for being a good guy to work with and a quality act that can be depended on to knock out killer shows night after night, in any situation. I’ve kind of got that in comedy clubs now, but that doesn’t translate to cruise ships. This is a different audience, and I need to adjust.

   My ‘Mr. Lucky’ persona doesn’t seem to be working at all. Nobody cares. I have never really polished it to the point where I have a solid set of jokes only about being unlucky. I have a few things, but I feel it limits me sometimes in a particular audience. These people are on vacation, they don’t want to hear about a guy from Wisconsin who has bad luck.

   At least I don’t think they do. I don’t feel it. They want to talk about the ship and what’s involved on a cruise. That’s our only common ground, other than the fact I’ve been to the cities and towns these people come from. There aren’t too many places I haven’t visited.

   The first show tonight was the best early ‘PG’ show I’ve done yet. I had a plan going in, I wanted to keep the amount of premises down to a minimum so I wouldn’t have to waste any material or burn any topics I might want to delve into in the later show. There were a few kids in the audience, but not nearly as many as the last cruise. It wasn’t an issue at all.

   This experience is no doubt going to make me a better performer, because I’ll make it a priority to improve and adapt into this situation. I had a similar situation when I moved to Utah to take a radio job. Those audiences were completely different than what I was used to, and I had some big adjustments to make in a short time. I did, and now I love it there.

  I think I’ll have the same experience here. I observed both Jim Brick and Tony Esposito, and they both figured it out. They do material right down the middle, and aren’t the angry ranter types that can have success in comedy clubs. They went with the flow of the crowd and that’s what I need to do also. This is a new situation, and winners are able to adapt.

   I’ll find a way to make this work for as long as they’ll keep hiring me. It’s good to have a standard to aspire to, and I’d love to be the best guy out here. That’s going to take some work, as my act doesn’t thrill the masses like a juggler or impressionist does. I’ll have my work cut out for me trying to figure it out, but I’m up for the challenge. It’s another solid source of income, and that’s never a bad thing. Friday the 13th wasn’t so unlucky after all.

Tags: Tony Esposito

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Thursday August 12th, 2010 - Somewhere Near Honduras

   New day, new challenges. Yesterday it was making it to the ship on time. I did. Barely.  Today it was finding my way around it. Again, I knew not one soul on the entire ship and had to be very resourceful. This ship’s interior is totally different from the other one I was on, and I was completely lost as soon as I walked out of my cabin. This is all new to me.

   Everything is in a different place, and I wandered around for over an hour trying to get a handle on what was where. Last time the comedy club was in the rear of the ship and easy to find. This time it’s in the middle, directly under the main show lounge. It’s tricky to see the staircase leading down to where the shows are, and I missed it three different times.

   This ship seems to be a little older and a little smaller than the other one, but not all that much. This is still one big bad hunka hunka floating steel, and I’m still in awe of how this much metal can float. It’s a techno-miracle, and I’m glad I have a chance to experience it first hand. Not only that, I’m getting paid to see places on the planet I’ve never ever seen.

   Anything new can be intimidating, and this totally is. I’ve been in all kinds of situations in life where I’m the outsider or the rookie, but this is up there with anything I’ve faced as it’s so large and so far from home. This has to be what newbie soldiers feel like. It’s a big boat in a foreign land, and everyone else all seem to know what to do and where to go.

   I finally found my way back to my cabin and when I walked in the phone was ringing. It was the other comedian, a guy named ‘Big Tony’ Esposito. He’s from Orlando, FL and in his mid 30s. He’s been doing the ships for about eight years, and we hit it off right away.

   He’s a big sports fan, and knows some of the same people I know in the comedy world. I could tell he’s laid back and easygoing, and I think he sensed the same in me. There’s an inner sense that comics have that can tell if another one is a good person. I know I have it, and can pick up on someone’s vibe pretty quickly. So does Tony. We’ll have no trouble.

   The shows tonight were also a little different than the last time. This was my day to get three shows, and tomorrow I’ll have two. They rotate us so people can come back and see comedy two nights in a row at the same time and see different acts. That’s how they do it, and I’m not complaining. It’s just that I’ll have to get used to this style if I work on ships.

   My early show went a lot better than both of the last ones I did on the other ship. These people were into it, and I was able to knock a couple of bits out of the park and get a nice applause break each time. I felt a lot more confident, and can tell I’ll eventually be able to figure this out. It’s a little different than most comedy clubs, but I can see where to adjust.

   The last two shows were fine, but still a little choppy for my tastes. I did exactly as they instructed, and didn’t repeat material from early to late shows. I did a lot of different stuff in the last show too, even though I didn’t have to. I wanted to give the audiences all I had, and tonight I didn’t embarrass myself. I can see where I need improvement, and I’ll do it.

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Wednesday August 11th, 2010 - Cozumel, Mexico

   Travel is work. Period. I’m not saying I don’t enjoy it. Sometimes. But it is work. It’s a constant, never ending process of always having to be in the next place - barely being able to enjoy the place I just got to. It can be a distraction, especially for a scatterbrain like me.

   There are always multiple tasks to look after - mostly the tiniest of details,  and missing just one teeny weeny one can put the entire trip at risk. If I should happen to forget my ID or miss a shuttle or any one of a number of countless insignificant things, I’m in trouble.

   It almost happened today. My flight from Chicago left O’Hare at 6:20am for Dallas, TX and then a connection to Cozumel, Mexico. That ends up being a long day after changing planes, having to find gates, going through security, customs, filling out forms for Mexico even though I’ll be leaving the country in a couple of hours, and flagging down a shuttle.

   Then I had to find a ticket seller, pay for a shuttle ticket, wonder if the Mexican money I got in change and didn’t expect was correct and/or where I’d ever spend it, find out which shuttle was the one that could take me to where the ship was and try to ask it in Spanish.

   All of this needed to be done on a timetable. The plane landed at 12:45pm, and I had to get to the ship as fast as I could so I could check in, find my cabin and jump through even more hoops with the Mexican security people. Oh, and don’t lose the passport. I’ll need it to get me through these checkpoints, even though it’s only a tiny little thin paper booklet.

   I was constantly grabbing myself in every pocket, checking to see if I had everything I’d need to get me through the checkpoints. Filled out forms, ID, cash to pay for what I might need from a place that doesn’t take plastic, and all in scorching heat without any sleep the night before. My plane left early and Jim McHugh lives pretty close to O’Hare airport.

   He’s a comedian and keeps comic/vampire hours like most of us and he offered to make sure I not only had a ride to the airport, but also a safe place to store my car. I would do it for him too, and he knows it. Still, I’d worked all day and hadn’t had any sleep as I got to his house. He was awake, but I was beat. We got to the airport drop off gate by 4:45am.

   After all that work to get to Cozumel, the shuttle took me to where the boats were and it was a major surprise to see THREE docked there. I hadn’t printed out the one document I needed to tell me which one, and I had no clue which was mine. I had to take a wild stab.

   It turns out that was the wrong one, but it took almost an hour to find that out. Now I’m really sweating it because I’ve got limited time. The ship was to set sail at 4:30. I tried the next one, and fortunately that was it - but I had a two mile walk with luggage in the heat.

   I made it to the right ship, found my cabin and immediately flopped down on my cot for a few minutes just to rest. What a day. I was in no mood to perform tonight, and I’m glad there were no shows. It took plenty of work just to get here. Show business is NOT easy.

Tags: Willie Nelson

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Tuesday August 10th, 2010 - Chicago, IL

   I have a new show business goal. I would like to be the first entertainer in history to get a reputation for having his income tax situation not only clean, but immaculate. For every Wesley Snipes, Willie Nelson, Redd Foxx, Joe Louis and so many others, I’ve personally never heard of anyone who’s on top of it year after year. I’m sure there must be, but who?

   For me, it’s been a life long pain in the I.R.- ass. A flair for math has never been one of my talents and my organizational skills are even worse. Saving fifty cent toll road receipts for months in an envelope to add up in April has never crossed my mind as a fun activity.

   I know it’s a necessity in life and especially in my own business as an entertainer so it’s to the point now there’s really no excuse at all. I’ve had a lifetime to master this but I feel no closer to having it aced now than I ever have. I was maybe halfway decent for a couple of years, and they weren’t even in a row. Depending on how goes my mood, so do taxes.

   This year, I’ve really let it hit the skids. I thought I was ahead of the game and had a big head start, but now I can’t even find my files at all. I’m talking about for 2009, as the IRS is sending me multiple letters telling me they haven’t received my 2008 return, which is a mystery because I paid my accountant to do it as I do every year. Somehow, it’s been lost.
 
   I really didn’t need another stop to make before heading out to sea, but I went to see my accountant to hopefully clear this all up. He showed me my return from 2008, and I don’t owe the government any money. He made a copy, I signed it, and he said he’d send it out.

   He’s a very laid back soft spoken guy, and pretty typical of what one would think to be an accountant type. He’s very Jewish, but that’s a good thing. I don’t want an accountant who’s half Swedish and half Jamaican. Give me a Jewish guy to handle my tax situation. I’ve trusted him now for probably ten years or more, and he knows how flighty I can be.

   He pointed his finger at me and said “NO false promises this year, Mr. Comedian. Get yourself a better system of keeping records. You know what you have to do - now DO it.” He’s so right. I just wish it was that easy. For some reason I seem to have a mental block. I always say I’m never going to let this happen again, and then it does. I’m embarrassed.

   I fly out at 6:20am tomorrow, and I come back next Sunday for two days before doing it all over again. He told me to bring my paperwork in Monday or Tuesday and said it’s not doing anyone any good to keep filing extensions every year. He’s right, but I guess I feel I get a little reprieve from the government or something by doing it, so I do. It‘s a crutch.

   Little does he know, when I got home I wasn’t able to find my paperwork for the life of me. I’ve moved everything around countless times recently as I’ve been clearing out all of my sports cards, sorting laundry, whatever. I obviously had to have put them somewhere, but I sure couldn’t find them today, no matter how hard I looked. I’ll find them when I get back, and take them in and get it done like I always do. But I really need a better system.

Tags: Redd Foxx

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Monday August 9th, 2010 - Chicago, IL
 
   The longer I walk this sorry excuse for a planet the more I am acquiring an utter disdain for at least 90% of the humanoid life forms walking here with me. I am not feeling like I belong, and it’s getting worse. If any aliens are reading this and would like to bring a new friend to your home planet, please come find me. I have a passport and I can leave today.

   I usually don’t get this pissed off for very long, but today I’m not in the mood to take an ounce of poo from anyone. I’ve had it with the human race, and I’m cheering for a big old mushroom cloud to wipe out a few million so maybe some of these halfwits will wake up.

   Here’s an example of the kinds of things that are chewing on my fanny. My web person Shelley lost her job at a restaurant chain. She’s got a husband and two really sweet kids at home, and like a lot of people she needs to work to put the family over the hump. She has a huge heart and works like few others, but she keeps getting screwed out of menial jobs.

   She worked at a chocolate store in a mall, but that went sour. Then she found a job at an all night restaurant. That wasn’t her dream gig either, for many reasons. Then, she got this last gig and threw herself into it. She showed up and did her job just like she always does.

   Then, yesterday she tells me not only did she get fired - they made her open the joint up by herself so the manager could sleep in. THEN, they took her to the office and dropped a bomb on her head. That’s about as brutal as it gets, and I can sure see why people flip out.

   I hear story after story of this in all kinds of scenarios. Radio isn’t much better and there is a list of cold hearted devious bastards who’ve fired me over the years for no real reason that I would have not one ounce of guilt urinating my first and last name, mailing address and Social Security number on their open coffin, headstone or urn of cherished remains.

   Inhuman people and actions really irritate us humans who are out here trying to play by some set of rules where everyone has at least a chance at fairness. It feels like life’s now a Road Warrior movie where everyone is for him or herself, and nice ones get rubbed out.

   I’m really getting sick of it, and I know a lot of others are too. I’m trying to clear up my business before I head out on the ship and one of the things I did today was pay up on my credit card which is juiced up to the hilt. Most of it is from my dental pain of the last few years with all the root canals and crowns I’m still paying for, but not all. It’s a giant mess.

   I got to thinking of all the times I’ve lent people money and it hasn’t come back, even if I politely ask for it. Paul Kelly owes me $500 for a car I sold him several years ago. I also sold Will Clifton another one of my auction rats so he could surprise his son with a car.

   The waterhead kid got drunk and wrecked it within a month, and I haven’t seen a nickel of the money. It’s $1000 and I could sure use that and Kelly’s $500 right about now. The worst thing is if I owed both of those pukes half a buck they’d sue me on People’s Court.

   The fat bastard who used to mismanage the Comedy Café in Milwaukee J.D. owes me a $400 debt for shows I did in 1994. I asked for it many times over the years, and he smiled and said “Prove it.” This is not what human beings do. This is how monkeys behave right before they start grabbing their genitals and throwing handfuls of dung. We’ve devolved.

   My ex business partner who I trusted with my life embezzled $8000 and also laughed at me when I went after him for it. He grudgingly paid me back $1400 with checks that said ‘Loan Repayment’ when they should have said ‘Theft Restitution’. Then he sent one final one that said ‘Final Payment’. And it was. That’s the one thing he did tell the truth about.

   I’m not the first person to get screwed over and neither is Shelley and neither is anyone else, but my question is why does it have to keep happening to people who are absolutely trying their hardest to be on the up and up? Bastards and criminals seem to get a free ride.

   And don’t give me this ‘God’s will’ BS either. I’m having a major problem with that as well. Where is this ‘God’ guy, the one in the white robe with the long beard who rewards Cub Scouts for helping little old ladies across streets? Why isn’t He making things fair?
 
   I’m losing it, man. I’ve had it up to my pasty white arse with the same old excuses that let bungholes slide time after time. If it were the opposite, good people wouldn’t get half the leniency the scumbags do. They wouldn’t. Liberty and justice for ALL? Not a chance.
 
   But then there are the silent group of those who don’t bitch and complain, but just keep on slugging. They don’t wail about how the government owes them and they aren’t trying to get a free ride from anyone and they just want to make a decent life for themselves and their families. These people are mixed in randomly with the scumbags, and it’s a travesty.

   The good ones come in all colors, sizes, shapes, locations, distinguishing characteristics and ages - and they’re left to fend for themselves against a world full of non thinking, non feeling oafs who are out to vanquish them from the planet so there’s more beer for them.

   I haven’t been this down on humanity in a long time, and there’s no real reason for it as I see it either. Maybe I’m getting old and this is where I’m headed. Probably so. I just am beyond sick of seeing good people get stung by an unfair turn of events and have to take a backseat and not be able to do anything about it. Shelly should still have that job to go to.

   I want my money from the grub worms who owe me. Granted, I gave them the power to screw me over by giving them the money in the first place. My bad. I treated them just as I would like to be treated. I learned that from that stupid thing called The Golden Rule. It apparently wasn’t meant for this particular planet, as we’ve screwed it up for millennia.

   I’m not perfect and don’t claim to be better than anyone else, but I do try to make a few better choices. I don’t think it’s working, as here I am at this late age struggling like I’m a freshman in college. There’s another thing. I didn’t get to go there either, because nobody in my family thought it was important. Thanks Pop! Where are the aliens? Come get me.

Tags: Road Warrior

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Sunday August 8th, 2010 - Kenosha, WI

   I’m in a low mood and I really shouldn’t be. But I am. I’m trying to figure out what did it but I don’t think it was just one thing. It’s a lot of little things coming together, but they add up and now I’m feeling lower than a cricket‘s pecker. I hope I’m not in another funk.

   Part of it is deep down I really don’t want to go out on the ship, especially for as long as I’m going. I really do appreciate the work and everyone there has been wonderful to work with, it’s just that the timing seems to be wrong. I would have loved this ten years ago.

   Even five years ago when I got fired from the radio gig at The Loop. I had money saved then, and I would have saved more and been sitting pretty right now and not had to really do much of anything I didn’t want to do. I think I would have appreciated it a lot more.

   I still do, and I’ll get to see some exotic places, even if it is in the dead of summer when it’s as hot as it gets. If I’m lucky, I’ll get some additional bookings at the peak times when it’s winter in the north. Eventually, I hope to be able to schedule myself whenever I want.

   I guess a lot of it boils down to freedom too. Money equals freedom of choice. I had the world by the t’aint just a few years ago, and I really didn’t know it. I was totally debt free when I went to Salt Lake City in 2000, and that’s when everything started to disintegrate.

   I had a nice radio gig making $50K a year, not great for a morning show in that size of a market, but very good for a cockroach like me used to piecing weeks together. I also did a lot of comedy out there, and lived off of that money and banked 100% of my radio salary.

   I had a nice apartment a mile from where I worked and a nice girlfriend and a shiny red Cadillac I paid cash for and life was on the up. I was saving money every week, then I got snaked into buying a house. That’s when it all came crashing down. Hard. It took a while, but eventually I lost the job and the house went a few months later. I’ve struggled since.

   Then I got the job at The Loop which turned things in a good way again. I started saving the radio money and again living on my comedy gigs. That turned things around in a short time, and life was again on the upswing. I was used to living like a bug and was in heaven knowing my car was paid for and I was putting money away every week. That’s success.

   I had zero debt and $40K in the bank and was just ending my first year and hoping we’d get signed to our second contract, which we would have done if the company hadn’t been sold. Instead of showing us respect, they showed us the door and it hasn’t been anywhere close to the same since. My partners Max and Spike have had to struggle just as I have.

   That was five years ago now, and it’s never going to come back. I didn’t think it would at the time, but I sure didn’t expect it to play out like it did. I’ve had to piece and paste all my life together month by month, trying to find the next somewhat steady gig. It looks to be the cruise ships, so I won’t complain. I’ll be grateful and go in and give my best work.

Tags: The Loop

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Saturday August 7th, 2010 - Alg

onquin, IL/Milwaukee, WI

   Sometimes the hardest part of comedy is getting there when your name is called. Today was a perfect example, and I always say I’m never going to let it happen again…until the next time it happens. Stress and angst were a bigger part of my day than the comedy part.

   I had two separate gigs booked tonight - one show at a golf course in Algonquin, IL and then two shows at Jokerz Comedy Club in Milwaukee. Of course, each of those places are in opposite directions of where I live, so I knew my travel time would be a major issue.

   I measured how far I had to go and how much time I was supposed to have to do it and it came out pretty close. I tried to coordinate it with both parties, telling each of them my situation beforehand to avoid confusion. The country club promised to get me on and off so I’d be able to make it to Jokerz, who in turn agreed to start their show a little bit later.

   On paper, in theory, I would be fine. I gassed up my car and had my proof of insurance ready in case I was pulled over, and had my map all laid out of the route I’d had planned for several days. For once I thought I was ready, and was confident I’d be able to do this.

   This is a variation of a situation every live performer has encountered WAY too many times to count. There are X number of miles to travel in Y amount of time, and variables like road construction or a train delay are never figured in and then it becomes a flat out race to get there in time. Making the money is important and we’ll risk our life to get it.

   I pulled up to the golf course at exactly the time I said I’d be there, and of course they’d been drinking and golfing all day and were running late for dinner. I’d worked for them in the past, and they liked me enough to bring me back again so I didn’t complain - but I did say I was on a tight time schedule and needed to be off so I could get back up to Jokerz.

   They sat everyone down and started bringing the food out, and then brought me up right in the middle of that so I had to deal with waiters and waitresses walking past where I was standing. There was a wireless microphone, but no stage or lighting so I had to stand right in front of a long table of prizes and awards that were going to give away after the meal.

   I could hear the clinking of silverware on plates and some people weren’t looking at me while others weren’t even facing me at the tables where they sat. Some were talking with each other, others were talking with the wait staff. This was not the ideal show situation.

   I’d been in front of these people last year, all baseball umpires of all things. They were a little drunker this year, and I could feel it. I opened with some standard lines that are solid 99% of the time and they just laid there so I knew I’d have to adjust and find a new route.

   Actually, it found me. A couple of the drunker guys in back started piping up comments and I was able to slam them, much to the delight of the other guys. It was all male so I got a little blue, which they all loved. I could tell what I had to do to get them to come along.

   How many times have I been in this situation? I’ve lost count. They weren’t bad people at all, but the situation was extremely difficult. They all knew each other and maybe a few of them remembered me from last year, but I doubt it. I had to really be in top form here.

   This was survival mode. By the time I got on it was about a half hour later than we had agreed on, but what could I do? That’s how these things tend to go, and I needed the cash so I took the risk. Now I was up there in the middle of dinner deflecting heckler darts so I could do my time and get in the car and start racing to Milwaukee to do two more shows.

   A few of the guys started stepping up to the plate and trying their hand with me and that was a big mistake. I launched them left and right and the more I jammed them the more it went over with the rest of the audience. They loved it, and when I said good night I got an unbelievable pop from the audience. Some were even standing, but I had to start driving.

   I got my check and started my journey north to Milwaukee. Of course I hit every kind of traffic construction there could be, and also got behind every nose picking, phone chatting Illinois road ape there was out driving tonight, and of course that was every single one.

   Frustration and tension built as I pounded my Toyota’s accelerator to the floor. I was up to about 90-95 a few times, and then I thought better and slowed it down. I went the long way, but it was freeway so I thought that would be easier. I took I-43 north and barely got to Jokerz by 9pm when I was scheduled to go on. I dashed in and went right up on stage.

   I’ve never enjoyed doing that, and it took a minute or two to get adjusted. I did find my rhythm, and the audience never knew that I’d risked life and limb to get there on time for the show and they didn’t care. It’s not their job. It’s my responsibility to get to work when my show starts. I’ve always hated these situations though. It‘s just too much of a drain.

   But what am I supposed to do - turn down the money? Right now I can’t do that, so this was the only choice. At least it wasn’t the worst case scenario which would have been not making it for the show at all. I’ve done that too, and that’s about as frustrating as life gets.

   The first show went fine, and the staff at Jokerz are really wonderful to work with. They knew the deal, and were very supportive. We texted back and forth the whole way so they knew how close I was as I sped like a maniac to get there. It was like a James Bond movie or something. I did make it when I said I would, but this was way too close for my tastes.

   The second show was a surreal nightmare. There was a bachelorette party that went off the deep end and had to be thrown out, right during my show of course. It was very tense, as there was yelling and loud confrontation and I had to try to tip toe around it on stage.

   My friend Drew Olson came out to hang, and he witnessed yet another example of how difficult comedy can really be, at least on this level. I didn’t tell him about the rest of the night, but he’s been around long enough to know how it is. This was a day of high stress, and I earned every penny I made. The sad part is, it’s all going to go to paying off bills.

Tags: Drew Olson

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