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THIS AGENT I WORK WITH, HAD A TOUGH CLIENT. THE WAS SUPPOSED TO GET A LOT OF THINGS DONE TO SELL HIS HOUSE, BUT WAS DEFIANT. IT WAS TO "BE READY FOR SALE IN 10 DAYS" HE WAS ASSURED BY THE SELLER, BUT 2 MONTHS HAD GONE BY FEW THINGS WERE DONE BY THIS FELLER. HE STILL NEEDED A HEAT PUMP FOR THE COLD OF DECEMBER. IT HAD BEEN IN HIS BACKYARD, AS LONG AS MY FRIEND COULD REMEMBER. MY FRIEND HAD ENOUGH. HE SO THE 21ST OF DECEMBER, HE WENT TO HIS HOUSE AND SAID THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN DONE IN NOVEMBER. HE CALLED A CONTRACTOR,WHILE USING HIS WIRELESS,THOUGH THIS MAN TRIED HIS PATIENCE, MY FRIEND HE WAS TIRELESS. HE WOULD BE OUT IN 3 DAYS THE EVE OF THE YULE, HE SAID TO THE SELLER, " ANSWER THE DOOR,AND DON'T MAKE ME A FOOL. HE ARRIVED 15 MINUTES EARLY, AND GOES TO THE DOOR. NO ANSWER. THAT FIGURES HE'S DONE THIS BEFORE. HE BEATS ON THE DOOR, PHONES HIS HOME AND CELL. NO ANSWER, NO ANSWER HE'S GONNA CATCH HELL. HE USES HIS MAGIC KEY AND AS HE WALKS DOWN THE HALL, HE HEARS VACCUM NOISES, HE'S CLEANING AND THINKS,.. I'M NOT MAD AT ALL. BUT WHEN HE GETS TO VACCUM HE SEES HE'S NOT THERE. BUT THE HOSE FROM THE SHOP VAC IS SLUNG OVER A CHAIR. HE FOLLOWS THE HOSE AS IT GOES DOWN THE HALL, AND HE SEES HIS CLIENT, WHOM LOOKS LIKE SANTA CLAUS WEARING NOTHING AT ALL. AND WATCHING PORNO FROM BETWEEN HIS TOES, THE SHOP VAC IN HAND HE WAS GOING HOSE OVER HOSE.
MY FRIEND, CREEPS DOWN THE HALL AND OUTSIDE OF THE DOOR. HE FIGURES HOW LONG CAN THIS TAKE, BEFORE HE GETS SORE. HE SHUTS THE DOOR AND HIS CELL RINGS. THE CONTRACTOR'S, AROUND THE CORNER AND HE'S BRINGING HIS THING. HE THINKS MY GOSH! CAN I TAKE ANY MORE? ANY MINUTE I'LL HAVE A GUY AND HIS CRANE ON EITHER SIDE OF THE DOOR. SO HE GOES BACK IN AND IS YELLING AS HE GOES DOWN THE HALL. FIRST THE VACUM SHUTS OFF, NEXT THE TV , MY FRIEND HAS TO STALL. THE LITTLE OLD MAN WHO WAS WAITING FOR HIS BATTER, SPRANG FROM HIS BED TO SEE WHAT WAS THE MATTER.
HIS VOICE CRACKED AS HE YELLED TO CALL OUT MY FRIEND'S NAME. AND SAID " I'M RUNNING BEHIND AND I KNOW I'M TO BLAME". MY FRIEND SAID "I'LL BE OUTSIDE" JUST TO SAVE HIM THE SHAME.
WHEN THE LITTLE OLD MAN SO LIVELY AND QUICK ASKED "HOW LONG YOU BEEN HERE?" HE SAID "ONLY A TICK" "I WAS RUNNING BEHIND" AND TO HIMSELF SAID "AND I DID NOT SEE YOUR DICK". THE UNIT WAS INSTALLED WITH NOT EVEN A CLATTER. AND MY FRIEND NEVER LET ON ANYTHING WAS THE MATTER. BUT THEN HE TOLD ME, AND I TOLD MY SPOUSE. 'BOUT THE DAY SANTA CAME LATE CAUSE HE WAS CLEANING HIS MOUSE
When is time to remind...It's 2009? Not just when someone is writing 2008 on their checks, but when they say things like... 1. It will be 7-10 days to get that part. Where is it coming from. I can get a part to the Space Station in 8 hours. It's 2009 ! 2. Your claim will take 30 days to process. Just admit it, you just don't want to pay me, right? Admit it, it's 2009 ! 3. We will have your mortgage payoff in 5-10 days If it takes longer than 10 seconds to do this. Then you need to take your whole computer system and throw it off the highest part of your building, because it has been obsolete for 25 years. This is 2009 ! 4. The Doctor can see you in 2 weeks. What does he have the next 13 days off? This is 2009 ! 5. We are getting 55% of our nations electricty from coal. Really, the oldest poluter known to man? This needed to be done away with 100 years ago. Can't those new fangled steam trains run on something else? it's 2009 ! 6. We don't have any flying cars. Are you sure? Because in every movie I have ever seen about this time in the future we had flying cars. Can you go in the back and check? Maybe we should have the movie writters working for the auto companies. I refuse to believe that the best we can coma up with is a co2 emitting, GM, SUV, POS. C'mon it's 2009 ! 7. They've never proven that tabacco is bad for you. Yeah-no.It was first proven by the British Government in 1955. US Tabacco Copanies 1963. Made illeagal to make that claim in 1995. First person to question the link to Tabacco and lung cancer. Sir Walter Raliegh's wife, suggesting he should not bring it to the US. It's now 2009 ! 8. We are still using petroleum oil. The MOST WORTHLESS PRODUCT ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH. (Runner up Windows Vista) Sythetic oils and fuels have out performed in everyway (Including, price, performance and envioremental impact) for over 30 years. Replace it... This year. It's 2009. 9. We are not sure what causes Global Warming. You may want to check numbers 5 and 8 and maybe 7. It's 2009 ! 10. We do not have self check out at this store. Really, because I was hoping I could show my great, great, Grandmother Helen Keller how to check ourselves out. She is 203 years young, deaf dumb and blind, and she has never done it before. But with my 4 year old Grand daughter teaching her she should be able to do it in half the time of your fastest checker.Pick up the pace ! All you have to do is scan it, and bag it ! Not grow it, harvest it and truck it into the city. And please hit the button so I can start putting my stuff on the grocery-go-round. It's 2009 ! 11. If you have a rotary phone...Please remain on the line. You might as well, you've obviously been on it for 25 years and couldn't go out and buy a new phone. How about this recording? If you are on a Rotary phone please hang up... The phones in the museum are for display ONLY! It's 2009 ! 12 It will take 2 months to count all the votes. Stop letting Bush's financial advisors count the votes! Give it to my 4 year old Granddaughter.She will have Bert, Ernie, Elmo and Count do it on NickJr.com in about 10minutes. It's 2009 ! 13. We Didn't see the foreclosure problem coming. Because you have no idea what you are doing! Let's see... People get screwed by their Agent, Broker, and Appraiser. They ask the Mortgage Companies to work things out with them. They say, NO! Because of their stupidity, they get in trouble, and ask they government for help, they say YES ! Sure we will help you incompendent morons. And give out bonuses so your Ceos will stay. Here's a hint for ya, start with number 3. NO BAILOUT FOR YOU !!! Learn how to count, it's 2009 ! 14. Gay people shouldn't get married. C'mon you know you're just offended that they are having sex, so let them get Married. Then they will stop having sex like the rest of the married couples. It's 2009 ! Did you happen to know the guy who started this, admitted to buying Crystal Meth for his Homsexual prostitute, while cheating on his wife, from a Hetrosexual Marriage? 15. All circuts are busy. I am on a cell phone. Ethel, is not pulling out wires and plugging them into a board. The only "circuts" are in my phone and they better be busy,it cost me $329.00 and I am paying 32 cents a minute. It's 2009 ! 16. It measures about 8 inches. When? When? When is it going to change. I remember this quote... "Study the metric system this summer. Because next year we will all be on the metric system." -Mrs. Adelson. (My 2nd grade Teacher) Circa 1967. 1-9-6-7 !!! It's 2009 ! 17. Why should I recycle. You know what? Don't. Your children will adapt. On the weekends they can go to Lake Coke Can.Or go to Beer Bottle Beach. Or go to Niagra Waterbottle Falls. It's 2009 ! 18. This check will take 5-7 days to clear the bank. Really, go get that crackhead from in front of circle K. Within 3 minutes he can tell you how much money is in this guy's account, and he won't even need his name. Be quick though, cause in 5 minutes he will have gotten 2 loans and 6 credit cards with that same information, you worthless slow, moving, un-intelligent poor excuse for a human ATM. 19. Please leave a message at the beep...Beep. The worst invention in the history of mankind...The voice mail. This assures you nothing will get done. If you do not have the time to answer the phone. (That is only 1 thing) You wil not have the time to... 1. Check your voice mail. 2. Find a pen. 3. Write it down. 4. Look it up. 5. Call them back. That's 5 things. Just reading the steps and your day is half over. It's simple Math. Ask Bert, Erinie, Elmo and Count. They are done counting the votes by now. Hire more people. Half the Country is out of work! It's 5years after 2004, and nine years after 2000.It's 2009 ! 20. You will recieve it in the mail in 5-7 days. Why do we even have the mail anymore? It is time for it to fall by the waistside. How does it take 5-7 days for someone to send a letter across the Country? When you could, fax or email it in just a few seconds. It's 2009 ! 21. We can fax that to you within a couple of days. What? Get up off your fat, lazy, McDonalds eating, no excercising ass, and fax it NOW! What good is it to fax it if it takes 3 days? I could have it mailed here in 5 ! It's 2009 !!! 22. This one pisses me off the most... Your petroleum burning, Global Warming causing, made in a coal burning GM plant, rotary phone adaptable, non-recyclable, NON-FLYING , POS, SUV will be ready in about 2 weeks, after we get the part, clear your check. Then if the circuts are not busy we will call you and you can come down and the cashier will check you out. Or we can leave a voice mail. Whatever the question is, they should answer it, fix it, caculate it, Determine its cause, prove it, replace it, process it, convert it, count it, predict it, then type it, and bounce it off a sattleite. So I can recieve it on my cell phone in 30 seconds or lees or it's FREE ! Because... IT"S TWO THOUSAND AND FUCKING NINE !!!! -WIZZ
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